Monday, September 14, 2009 @2:54 AM
Today I was trying to choreograph the duet, previously i was trying to choreograph this group piece. I never used to be the best in class or in anything. I dated nd fallen out of love. I want to wait but then I never knew what I was waiting for.
Is quite sad actually. At 22years old turning 23 in another half a year, I realise I do not know who or what I want to be. What kind of image do I want, what do i want people to think of me. That is a problem. I'm messy but I do not like people commenting on my messiness. I await an answer from a guy I like and then at the same time I want to give myself choices. A lot of times I try to explain myself I cut myself short because I suddenly realise I do not know what I am talking about. I am constantly feeling the sense of loss.
I always have this great plans, great ideas but they never seem to pull through. And thats why I think I am facing problems choreographing, choosing paths in life and finding an identity. When I choreograph I have an idea, then inspirations comes and i end up with a lot of ideas in one story. Its almost like if I write a story I would want the girl to die, then maybe to add drama i give her a bit of sickness, to add even more I have 10 people surrounding her, to add more I make her cough blood and die with a lot of spasms before. Then I lose my main focus of the story.
I also realise that i do a lor of things now and before because people says i am good at it. Like dancing was one of it, I did ballet when i was young I danced ballet then at 13 i stopped ballet totally because I felt I was no good a dancer but I had potential in gym. There after to distract myself from depression I took up dance again. I felt that I was good and people said i had potential so I studied dance, since i was not good at studying. Now I am giving a shot at choreography because some friends tells me that I might had potential. I know I am not good at choreograhping, teaching or dancing. So why do I dance. Because others think i should?
So my question now is who do I want to be? What do I want in live? What kind of acheivement? I'm sick and tired of wanting the best of both worlds because i never know what i want. I'm tired of always confusing myself with all this ideas. To be a better person and better dancer and choreographer I need to know who and what i want to be.
P.S All this thoughts from watching Runaway Bride!